Have you ever thought about what kind of man your dream girl really wants? It all boils down to one thing: She wants a real man. Unfortunately, none of us were given a manual on exactly what a real man is — or how to become one. Luckily AskMen is here for you.
See yourself as “high status”
Status is where you stand in your social group. Many men have a low-status self-image. They walk into a room, look around and automatically think other people in the room have higher status than them. But there are other guys who have a high-status self-image. They walk into a room and expect that they are going to be one of the high-status people in the place. It’s not because they think they’re better than others, it’s just a part of who they are. The healthiest of these are men who use their high status to help others. Build a high-status self-image and learn how to use your confidence and talent to help others.
Always seek the next level
One of the positive things about life — whether you think it’s luck, fate or a blessing — is you can evolve your life. There are enough levels to keep evolving to, that if you want to keep going you can — all the way to the end of your life. If you want to have higher and higher levels of joy and fulfillment, keep evolving, keep looking for the next level of you. Don’t ever think you have arrived. And if the people around you ever think you’re the absolute dogs, go get a new set of friends that are at a higher level and can point out that you still have a long way to go. It’ll be good for you and your happiness.
Eliminate failure by learning from it
I’ve worked for a number of years to get the whole idea of failure out of the way I think about things. Do you know humans invented the idea of failure? The problem comes when we make a “failure” mean something about us. You fail at something and you start to believe that you are a failure. Instead of doing this, stop, look at the experience and learn from it. Then compare the lesson you got to the price you paid. You’ll find the lesson is always a bargain. Focus on the learning.
Stop making up meaning
We humans make up meaning all the time. If someone disapproves of us, rather than thinking “oh that’s their issue,” we internalise it and make it about us and about who we are as a person. We attach it to our self-image and make, what I call, “identity meaning.” We tell ourselves: “Wow, people don’t approve of me. I probably don’t deserve approval. I’m the kind of person people don’t approve of.” Ouch! Stop making identity meaning. When someone doesn’t approve of you, realise they can do whatever they want and it has nothing to do with you.
Work on yourself, not women
A common theme in the self-help world is that you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. When things go bad or you don’t get what you want, and your first thought is, “I need to change this other person,” you’re going to beat your head against the wall. If you want to become more successful with women, stop wanting women to change, and start changing yourself. When you do, you’ll change your perspective and your results.
Accept everything the way it is
Most people wish the world, women and even they were different. They whine and complain and act like a victim. They do things that are ineffective because they live in a pretend world in their mind. Instead, accept things the way they are, even if it’s painful. Once you do, you can start to change the world around you and yourself. You’ll have the power to redirect things as you move into the future.
Move your frame of reference inside
Psychologists know that most people have an “external frame of reference.” They’re constantly looking around at the world and others for clues about whether they’re doing the right thing, in the right place, wearing the right clothes, thinking the right thoughts, etc. There is another group of people who have an internal frame of reference. Instead of looking outside to figure out if they are on the right page, they look inside to figure out if everyone else is on the right page. If your own inner voice is making the decisions in your life, you’ll be more effective, powerful and charismatic. Move your frame of reference inside.
Build a self-image that you love
Use that brain of yours to create a rich image of the type of guy you’d like to be. Get a clear picture of that person in your mind, and reflect on it often. Ask yourself if you’re the person you’d like to be. If the answer is no, figure out who that person is, and clarify it over time. Make it so compelling that you want to move towards it. The clearer you make it, the more likely you’ll become that person. Keep focusing on it, and you’ll quickly become very attractive to women — and yourself.
Evict your Inner Wuss
Most guys have an “Inner Wuss” that screws up their chances with women. Take the time to evict your inner wuss. It may take a while. Sometimes the little bastard wants to hang around. Ask yourself what “secondary benefits” you get by thinking like a Wuss. Maybe when you complain about things it means you don’t have to feel responsible for your life, and that feels good in the short-term. Or maybe when you complain about how bad other people are it gives you a mild feeling of superiority over others. Get rid of this stuff. It doesn’t serve you well, and women don’t find it attractive.
If you want to have massive success with women and life, transform yourself from someone who is a victim to someone who makes things happen. Take responsiblity for your thoughts, actions and results. And any time you catch yourself not taking responsibility for your life, stop and tell yourself: “I take responsibility.” Especially in those moments when it’s easy to blame things on someone else. That’s the most important time. By taking responsibility for your whole life, you’ll become a much better man — and create the life you want in the process.